Monday, April 02, 2007

Trust Your Gut

There are irrational, over-possessive people out there. I like to call them Hispanics, but some do not fit this designation. Some people are just insecure in themselves and never feel like they are good enough for the person they are with and therefore assume they are out looking for something better at every opportunity. For years, I have prided myself on not being one of those people. But what I have come to learn is that there is a fine line between possessive and naive, and it is a hard one to straddle.

In every relationship there is a point where one party’s behavior changes dramatically. Perhaps it is the first time they don’t pick up the phone when you call. Or maybe it’s when the time for a call to be returned is 12 hours longer than usual. Perhaps it is a lack of interest in sex, or sometimes it is as simple as a change in the tone of voice. They are the subtleties someone who knows you well can pick up. Sometimes this happens after a major fight, a life-changing event or some explicable factor that makes the change fully explainable. But I have learned something in my years, kids, and that is that when it happens for no apparent reason you are not the only person in their life at that moment.

I have never, EVER had that gut feeling and not been right. I can usually tell within 24 hours but choose not to press the issue out of fear of looking like said overprotective jerk. I like to think I am the type of person to give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially when it is someone I trust. And because I am generally very confident in myself in relationships (evidenced by my continual ability to date strippers) I never fully think something is going on that shouldn’t be. And that is where naiveté comes in. Experience is the greatest cure for that disease and what I have learned is that if my gut tells me something else is going on, is most motherfuckingly is.

When your gut tells you this is the case, do not sit back and wait for events to play out. At this point it is okay to investigate. Make no apologies and demand the truth. Follow someone, check their phone records, call "Cheaters," do whatever it takes. Because if you are right, they really can't complain. Their actions were the impetus for yours. Will it hurt? Probably, and more often than not you are simply speeding up a process that will have inevitably happened anyway. But ultimately it is better to know what is going on and perhaps even get a sincere apology out of the person rather than sitting and waiting and tying your stomach in knots for days at a time.

My days of ignoring obvious signs are over, and I will never again make apologies for being suspicious of anyone. What I have realized is that I am not naturally a suspicious person, my radar for inappropriate behavior is not very sensitive. So when it is set off it is almost always right. In my case, when I suspect something is going on its not because I am insecure. Its because what you are doing is so obvious it has alerted even the most non-possessive of people. And you, my dear, are most likely in the wrong.

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At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this blog has jumped the shark, thats why no one ever comments anymore.


At 6:07 PM, Anonymous White Dade said...

Please Elaborate

At 10:13 PM, Blogger Stephen said...

Yes, please.

At 11:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is brilliant. I couldn't agree more.

"But I have learned something in my years, kids, and that is that when it happens for no apparent reason you are not the only person in their life at that moment."

I think the hardest thing is actually admitting it to yourself. When I get to the point of suspecting that there is another person, I usually emotionally shut down from that person and look for another person myself. I think this is my form of protecting myself. Not wanting to look like a love-crazed maniac, I will not contact them or make any effort to talk to this person. I will, however, be civil.

At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Gatsby Girl said...

I hate that feeling that creeps up on you even as you sleep that tugs at your innerself and lets you know things are not right and someone is about to give you the Heisman. We all have a sixth sense, it is if you choose to listen to it or not that will lead you to the Ship of Fools.
This blog has not jumped the shark otherwise anonymous wouldn't be lurking about to see if you had a new post and jumping at the bit to be the first one to comment.

At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

True, but how come when girls make the same comments or inquiries, we're called "insecure" or crazy etc? There is NOTHING wrong with being insecure if you love someone and want to make sure everything is ok with the relationship.

I don't think this blog has jumped the shark, since it still can piss me off now and then.

At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not sure what jumped the shark means but if it's anything like the content is inane and the author is self absorbed then I agree.

At 5:46 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Why won't you return my text messages Dade!

At 6:15 PM, Blogger Gland Jupiter said...

Your Wikipedia definition:

"Jumping the shark is a metaphor that was originally used to denote the tipping point at which a TV series is deemed by a viewer to have passed its peak, or has introduced plot twists that are illogical in terms of everything that has preceded them. Once a show has "jumped the shark," the viewer senses a noticeable decline in quality or feel the show has undergone too many changes to retain its original charm. . ." blah blah, and so on.

Used to be a time a man in a leather jacket and tight shorts could taunt killer sealife and be cool.

At 8:12 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

SCC - Lack of civility is rarely a problem for me.

GG - Yeah, it is a very unpleasant feeling and one I try to eliminate. Of course, that is easier said than done.

Anon - They are insane idf it is totally unjustified. I tihnk the insane ones sense things that are not there or totally irrelevant. Guys get the same rap, however.

Anon2 - The first part, yes. The second part, no.

Joe - There is nothing to return. NO question to answer. I get 250 texts a month (incoming and outgoing) so unless someone asks me a question I generally don't reply.But thank you for wishing me a happy passover and I have no idea whay you've saen so many Floida plates in Seattle. Weird.

GJ - I am well aware of what it menas. I was just curious why anonymous thought the blog had, in fact, jumped the shark.

At 7:27 AM, Blogger aikin said...

good post. Don't ignore those signs. You try to give the benefit of the doubt, but at some point you can't ignore the obvious.
I knew something was up; something definitely was up; and I'm divorced now.

At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

Dude, I totally saw 3 more yesterday. Maybe Seattle is the Spring Break hotspot for residents of Florida! I know, I could write a Seattle Spring Break series titled "Fleece, Coffee and Rain: A Guide to Seattle Spring Break" Sweet.

At 2:49 PM, Blogger David in DC said...

Are this post and the last one connected? Because they read like they are.

At 3:36 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

I agree. And the truth is, the best relationship is the one that's not going to raise doubts.

Sometimes though people can cheat so brilliantly that they lead double lives and the other person doesn't find out until the shit hits the fan somehow. The betrayal of trust is what really hurts.


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