Wednesday, September 17, 2008

He's Just a Football Player Folks. Get Over It

There’s a lot of differences between going to a private school in a big city and a big, state school in the middle of a God-forsaken swamp. Like, instead of having some greasy, over-dressed doorman from Buenos Aires look you up and down outside an expensive nightclub and tell you you can’t get in because you have too many guys, you can have a poorly-dressed frat guy from Palatka do the same thing at a party.

Yes, UM and UF certainly have their differences. But perhaps the one I find most disgusting is the verbal fallating and elevation to God status of any athlete who garners a mention on SportsCenter.

At UM, we treated our atheltes like athletes. You are judged on your performance, and even then you're really nobody special. Play well, and you might get a "nice game" from the throngs of students who either didn't know what football was, or could probably buy the team within 5 years of graduation. Then, you're special. Make one mistake, and the boos from the crowds at the Orange Bowl were deafening. People called talk radio just to talk about your weaknesses and students, well, students immediately turned their attention to club opening times as soon as the game was over. Even Ken Dorsey was criticized until the day he left and was publicly called "Rusty Dick" by his teammates on the campus shuttle.

At UF? The athlete worship is fucking nauseating. If you're on a team that palys on TV you are a GOD, and as such can do no wrong, anytime, anywhere, in the eyes of the student body. Say any different and you will be challenged to a fight and called a homosexual by the every Kool-Aid drinking Gator fan in jorts within 500 yards.

And nowhere, I mean NOWHERE, is this more nauseating than with one Mr. Tim Tebow. And no, my irritation stems from a lot more than him beating my boy Colt “Those Charges were Thrown Out” Brennan for the Heisman. Tebow is a pretty damn good college quarterback. And is going to make a damn fine CFL fullback some day. But he is not, as some in Gainesville seem to believe, the second coming of Christ. He’s more like the second coming of Dan Kendra.

But in Gainesville, I think more or less every undergraduate, male or female, would suck this guy’s dick if he asked them to. Apparently in addition to being able to throw AND run (and good God, there has NEVER been a quarterback who could do THAT before. At least not one who won a Super Bowl, anyway) he can feed the hungry, clothe the needy, turn water into wine, win the war in Iraq, solve the financial crisis and still have time to go to church on Sunday with his Mom and Dad.

He’s a fucking 21-year-old kid, people, not the Dali Lama. He plays football and without football he’s that creepy Jesus kid in the back who can’t interact with the rest of the class because he was home schooled his whole life. Why do you think his Heisman acceptance was the worst display of public speaking since Dan Quayle left office? I believe he said Jesus more than Allan Iverson said “Practice.”

I got an email from my gym today telling me to “unleash my inner Tebow.” Really, Gainesville Health and Fitness? I wasn’t aware you were replacing my 6:30 kickboxing class with “Circumcising Filipino Children,” but thanks for the heads up.

So yeah, Tebow is a good football player, but can everyone around here just get off his nuts? Because until Tim Tebow cures cancer or saves 100 people from a burning building, the guy is no better than you, me, or anyone else in the God forsaken swamp.

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At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Tim Tebow can suck on all the foreskin that he circumcises for all I care. He didn't deserve the Heisman last year and he won't get it this year. He's the master of the 1 yard QB dive and that's about it. He'll make a great NFL fullback one day.

At 10:04 AM, Blogger SUE said...

Don't hate 'cuz Tebow gets more play (off the field...ok, on too) than you do...

At 3:24 PM, Blogger OCD OD said...

Wow, I'm glad I don't care about football in any capacity. Nicely said, regardless.

At 1:53 AM, Blogger Dan-E said...

welcome back to blogland

At 1:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somebody is jealous.... of everything. Are you sure you aren't a woman because you sure complain like one.

At 11:50 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

First piece of anonymous hate off the layoff. Thank you sir. I'd been missing that.

At 8:55 PM, Blogger Blind Mind said...

Dude, I read your rant about Brennan a few years back and Ive been a fan ever since. He had a good preseason and I think he could make things interesting if he ever gets the chance to play.

Tebow is having a fun college career and will suck in the NFL. Nuff said.

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