Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Oldest Man in Gainesville

So yeah, I’m back. Y’all knew a raging attention whore like me could only stay away for so long. But we all know if there is one thing that is true in life it’s that the sequel is never as good as the original. Shit, if everybody who ever did anything that was really good quit while they were ahead, we’d only have about six movies a year coming out and the Rolling Stones would have stopped making albums 30 years ago. What I’m saying here is that a lot has changed since I last spoke with you all. A lot.

I’m older. I’m angrier. I’m more bitter and a lot more nasty. You know why? Because I’m fucking old, that’s why. Because I’m old enough to remember Ronald Reagan and the Cold War. I remember what life was like before computers and cell phones and the Internet. And somehow, we survived.

You know that miserable old bastard who sits down at the barber shop or the local bar or maybe, if you’re really lucky, mainlines Old Crow on the street corner in front of your apartment? Well, after a year in Gainesville I understand that guy a lot better that I used to. The kids here? They don’t know what it was like to only have 87 channels.

My role as a person over the age of 22 is to ramble on about the good old days when we read newspapers and bought CDs.

About a time when “text” was something you read, not something you did.

A time when people actually picked up their phones

A time when guys were considered pussies if they asked a girl out over anything other than the phone or in person. Or a time when guys even asked girls out.

A time when when not anybody with a camera could become a celebrity, and a time when people had to have talent to be on TV

A time when people did actual exercise instead of waiting in line for hours to play virtual tennis.

A time when kids played outside and parents had to drag them in, instead of playing inside and their parents having to twist their arms to go out.

A time when if you wanted to avoid work, you just left.

A time when if you went to dinner with someone, that was the only person you were at dinner with. Not every friend, relative, acquaintance, boss and bill collector who decides to call, text, or email while you’re eating.

A time when you could ignore people you wanted to ignore.

A time when you went on vacation and were truly inaccessible

A time when “second life” was only something the Hindu’s talked about.


You see, now I know why the grumpy old man is so angry. What I was talking about back there? That shit is from like 1997, people. The Clinton years. Not that long ago, and many of you out there reading can remember most of that shit as well.

But in Gainesville, if you didn’t grow up with email and cell phones, you may as well be an Alzheimer’s patient who eats his own teeth. I know that in America youth is King, but in Gainesville, youth is more of a fascist dictator. If you’re old enough to rent a car, you’re a detriment to society. So while you may mock that miserable old bastard on the corner for ranting on about how much better it was when they danced the Charleston and women wore long skirts, don’t laugh at him too hard. Move to a college town folks, and you’ll realize you have a lot more in common with him than you ever wanted to.

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16 Comments:

At 10:40 PM, Blogger The T Bag said...

Gainsville could use a little more e, if ya know what I mean

 
At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Dude, I’m with you on the college town thing. Charlottesville, VA is one of the best towns in America for about 4 months out of the year but it’s almost unlivable for the other 8 due to the goober college kids. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, about 95% of the under 25 population is worthless. I’m actually glad more of them don’t vote.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Gus Moore said...

Glad you're back. Life hasn't been the same without you.

Looking forward to more mean and nasty posts.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger OCD OD said...

You were old and cranky in 1997 too.

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger Ben said...

as well as back in 1992 when you sold Snaple out of your locker.

Glad you're back WD.

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger Cliff said...

yeah, I remember the good ole' days where no cheese meant no cheese, and no mayo meant no mayo, and before Tom Brady was the greatest quarterback to ever live, and people respectively squeegeed your shower, and meatheads properly re-wracked, and the Metrorail went somewhere helpful....

 
At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Richie said...

dude I know exactly how you feel except that I'm actually a 27 year old student right now. I've got a young look going for me but it goes to shit when girls see that I prefer to call instead of text, hang out at the library instead of crowded cafeterias, oh and it sometimes takes me a while to remember things.

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

T - Yeah, I have yet to see that here. Maybe our neighbor knows. Who am I kidding, OF COURSE our neighbor knows.

Johnson - Wait, you mean YOU hate the college kids in C-Ville?! Damn, who knew? I think you were like 4 years ahead of me on this one. Can I be a townie and in school at the same time?

Gus - Thanks, Gus. Since I have to be so nice to everybody over on 411.

OCD - Solid Point. Still younger than you.

Ben - I was nice then. Till those communists shut me down

Cliff - When the fuck did the Metrorail ever go anywhere helpful?

Richie - I feel you bro. What school you at?

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

T - Yeah, I have yet to see that here. Maybe our neighbor knows. Who am I kidding, OF COURSE our neighbor knows.

Johnson - Wait, you mean YOU hate the college kids in C-Ville?! Damn, who knew? I think you were like 4 years ahead of me on this one. Can I be a townie and in school at the same time?

Gus - Thanks, Gus. Since I have to be so nice to everybody over on 411.

OCD - Solid Point. Still younger than you.

Ben - I was nice then. Till those communists shut me down

Cliff - When the fuck did the Metrorail ever go anywhere helpful?

Richie - I feel you bro. What school you at?

 
At 11:24 PM, Blogger roosh said...

welcome back. what have you been doing the past year?

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger Windrider said...

It's great to see you back Dade!

I actually found your blog just after you split down here to head to Gainsville. It was a real drag, as I share many of the same sentiments being a displaced anglo down here in south Florida.

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Roosh - Shit, well, I've moved to Gainesville, been teaching a class, and learned that everythin you learn as a single twentysometihng bachelor in a major city is completely useless in a college town. How bout you?

Windrider - Well, I'm glad you're glad. We'll see how it goes.

 
At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome back dude, but I am 46 so you are making me feel even fuckin' older. Rant on dude! Love the expose' on the jock sniffers. Is cow tipping still popular up there?

 
At 1:32 AM, Blogger Cliff said...

..the Miami Arena, for your pick of Heat, Panthers, Hooters, Canes basketball, or Disney on Ice events...loved that place...

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Welcome back! your rants have been missed :-)

 
At 12:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm 28 and I could never relate to the 18-22 college crowd, they don't remember any of the 90s
alt-rock bands nor Seinfeld nor the Clinton years.

See WD, you complained so much about Miami, now you're in cow country. If you're at the local honky tonk, don't let them catch you badmouthing Tebow the God.

 

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