Friday, September 26, 2008

Why the Gays Rock

I would just like to start out here by saying that I am not, nor will I ever be, gay. Not at all. I mean, people can make all the cracks they want about tanning and pageant judging and showtunes, but at the end of the day the only thing that makes you gay is hooking up with other dudes. And that is something I have about as much interest in as moving to Bangladesh. Actually, if given a choice I would probably be on the next plane to Dhaka with a mud hut-building kit.

That all being said, I love the gays. That’s right, of all the minority groups in this country, the gays are by FAR the coolest. Seriously, does anyone ever move OUT of a neighborhood when gays move in? Do people avoid gay areas because they fear for their lives? Have you ever been in a place (not a gay club) and wanted to leave because of all the obnoxious gays in there? No, of course you haven’t. You know why? Because the gays, they fucking rock. They have the life. And here’s why…

The Gays make the BEST wingmen – I was in a club this summer and ended up sitting at a table with a bunch of gays. Next to us was a table of gorgeous South Beach models, or, at least, a table full of blondes all over 5’10” and under 120 pounds. Now, I would NEVER in a million years dream of approaching a table of chicks like that. But one of the gays got up, chatted them up for a few minutes, then invited me over and introduced me to them. An instant in with an unapproachable table. Much as I love my straight friends, even the girls have never done anything like this for me.

The Gays NEVER Cockblock – Ok, maybe if the guy is ugly they will, but typically when a gay is out with his fag hag, his goal is to get her laid. I mean, he knows he’s getting some, so why shouldn’t his girl? So unlike unbearable sorority chicks who make absolute certain their girlfriends NEVER go home with anyone but them, a gay INSISTS his girl goes home with someone. God bless the Gays.

The Gays only deal with attractive people -Gays have a great aesthetic sense, as anyone who has ever visited a gay household can attest. But it also extends to the company they keep. I haven’t met too many ugly fag hags, and a gay man is not going to associate with straight guys who aren’t attractive either. I mean, why bother wearing a $2000 outfit when your accessories are hideous? So if you're hanging out with the gays, typically, it’s going to be a good looking group.

The Gays have money – Seriously, you ever meet a gay on welfare? Shit, you ever meet a gay who had problems making rent? Of course you don’t! The gays, for whatever reason, always seem to be educated and have large amounts of expendable income. I’m not sure why this is, but when you’re shelling out $1200 for bathroom curtains, you’re probably doing ok. And the gays are, hands down, the BEST tippers on Earth. Never less than 25%.

The Gays party like rock stars – No self-respecting gay goes out and gets home any earlier than 5. And typically never comes home alone either. Not only do the gays get the BEST drugs (you ever do gay coke? You’ll never look at that shit you buy from Cracky in the West Grove the same way again), but they hook up with multiple people on a weekly basis, party on weeknights, and hang out with beautiful women. That sounds more like Kid Rock than Harvey Firestein to me. Except for the whole hooking up with guys thing, that sounds pretty awesome to me.

They Gays never have to get married of have kids – Why the Hell are the gays so caught up in being able to get legally married? It’s like the greatest out ever. Mom and Dad bugging you to settle down at 34? Sorry, State says I can’t. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a coke-infused orgy to attend. People encouraging you to have kids? Yep, can’t really do that one either. Guess I’ll have to use all that money that my straight friends spend on their kids on a new pair of Prada loafers.

The Gays dress, groom and design better than most women – Why do you think so many male models are gays?

So, Gays, in short, you guys rock. And, contrary to popular belief, they typically know when you’re straight and stay away, so they make awesome friends/people to go out with and get hammered. What this country needs are more citizens like the gays, curbing overpopulation, making money, and dressing well. Have a great weekend everybody, and go party like rock stars. Or gays.



At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're so GAY and I love you!

At 2:35 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

I your favorite "The Music Man" or "Guys and Dolls"?

At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't need to make a post like this man. Everyone already knows. Sorry to burst your bubble you aren't fooling anyone.

At 4:23 PM, Blogger OCD OD said...

Nicely done. However, I have to take issue with the whole, there are no ugly fag hags statement. Dude, you did drama--haven't you seen the not-so-cute drama girls who hang all over their gay cast mates? I certainly have known a few. And all of my gay friends have some super dumpy female friends. Which is not to say they aren't lovely people, but cute? Not so much.

At 10:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You didn't mention your love of a certain female artist that makes me laugh every time I think about it XD

I'm glad I stopped by on a whim- this post is most excellent! All the points are so true! The best times I've ever had going out are to gay clubs and bars with my gays (sometimes without!). I need to find some new gay friends now, you made me miss the ones I had (who all moved D: )

At 11:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this post!! And I totally agree... GAYS ROCK!

At 9:19 AM, Anonymous MindMetrics said...

Interesting approach - a similar approach with less chance of being seen as confused, is to attend things that are primarily only attended by females (vice versa if you're female). Like the comedian who wrote skinny bitch - 95% female audience for her shows! My girlfriend dragged me to that - once I got there and saw thousands of unattended females - I passed the strategy on to my available guy friends.

BTW, using bait won't help you in the online dating world - for that my friends, it's all you!!!

At 5:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL - no ugly fag hags? Are you serious?

What about those obese, pale skinned uglies that hang out with their cute gay friend because no other guy would be caught dead in public with them?


At 1:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

...Wow. So this has to be the most obnoxious, stereotype-riddled blog post I have ever seen.

I'm gay.

The Gays make the BEST wingmen
I have no interest in "wingmanning" for anyone. Seriously, if you can't get laid on your own charms, why should I do it for you?

The Gays only deal with attractive people
My best friend is far from being attractive (overweight, unfortunate facial features, etc). Oops, I guess I'm just one of those gays who actually give a damn about personality, hey?
As for having "great aesthetic sense", I'm an artist- but it doesn't tend to extend beyond that. I rent a room and it's pretty mis-matched and untidy- sure as hell not your stereotypical "gay pad".

The Gays have money
What. The. Hell. Seriously, man. For the record, I'm unemployed. Due to the fact that I was kicked out on my 16th birthday, I don't have much of an education. All my jobs have been bottom-rung-of-the-ladder, crap-pay jobs that have barely made me enough to get by. Right now? I'm on benefits and looking for another crap job that will barely make me enough to get by, and hoping what little I make off my art will tide me over.

The Gays party like rock stars
You, sir, are steadily sounding more and more rediculous. I wouldn't go out and party even if I could afford to. When I stay out all night, it's usually at a gaming session with a bunch of (usually straight male) friends.

They Gays never have to get married or have kids
So, because YOU don't want to, we should be happy if we can't...? If you WANT to marry, you should be able to. And if you don't, then at least it's your choice. I lived with a guy for six years before he passed on- and we couldn't marry. But hey, never mind, because you don't want to marry I should be happy I can't!

The Gays dress, groom and design better than most women
What a lovely parting comment of stereotypical bigotry. I will admit to taking more care over my appearence than my straight male friends- but I sure as hell don't take as much care over my appearence than most of my female friends. As long as my clothing is clean and fits properly, and I am also clean, I don't much care about my appearence. Most days I don't even look in the mirror.

Hey, I dunno, maybe I'm just a wierd gay, right? It's totally possible that, other than me, all gays are secretly some gender-confused hybrid of male and female stereotypes. Clearly, I (and my deceased partner, who was similar to me in many ways) are just freaks, exceptions to the rule.
That's exactly what it must be, right?

At 3:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Necessity is the mother of invention..........................

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